I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
He has the fingertips of a God
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