I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
