I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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