dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
