you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
