after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
