I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
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