I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
