I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
