So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
