life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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