i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
