I just pynch a tree in the face
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
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