i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
