I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
