My hand turned me down
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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