My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
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