Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
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