Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
