One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
You had me at "let me see your balls"
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
