i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Randomize
