Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
And then he peed in my hair
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