I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
