If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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