I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
