Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
