I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
