my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
