somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
