Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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