just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
i think my cat just said my name.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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