I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
