i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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