He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
