SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
cat food counts as protein by the way
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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