Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
