So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
no, he came in my armpit
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
