textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
