here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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