maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
