why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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