This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
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