My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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