Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
