i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
