im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
