at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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