i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Just pee around me
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
