I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
