I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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