Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
