we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
