..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
